Archive for February, 2011

Struggling

February 25, 2011

The plain truth is that I do not want to do this. I am tired, and now want a good book to read. I’ve done some reading about blogging. I still don’t know what I’m doing. I need to do more research on this.

I’m trying to find work. Really not finding much lately. It’s really frustrating. I don’t know what more to do while I’m already doing.

I have started writing a new novel. No, nothing is finished. Wish it was. I love working on this novel. I have so many ideas coming.

But right now the weekend calls. I think I have some different things to do with friends. Love weekends where I have fun things to do!  🙂

Home again

February 22, 2011

I would not call the trip we just took a vacation. It was not my favorite vacation to be sure. Vacations to me are times to just relax with family or good friends. I love hanging out, going out to eat, making special meals together. I enjoy going shopping with friends. The trip we just took was hardly any of those things. We had to help my grandparents move out of the home they’ve lived in since before I was born. I have tons of wonderful memories of that place. Having to let it go has been hard. But anyway. I’m sure our family will work out some fun things to do all together.

My two favorite things that came out of this trip are writing related. First, I’ve started writing a new book. Right now I absolutely love working on this book. I really think it has some potential. My problem is finishing anything.

The second thing I thoroughly enjoyed was having lots of time to read. I would read when I didn’t have anything to do. Or more typically I’d read because people were around, and I didn’t want them reading what I was writing.

Writing this has made me feel somewhat better about the trip.

What is my place?

February 4, 2011

I have another caveat, we have to go to my grandparents on Tuesday, and will be gone the better part of two weeks. I hate the thought of being gone that long, especially not being sure how much computer/internet access I’ll have. But I have to go.

I’m bothered. I think part of it is just that I do not know my place anymore. I have so many dreams yet to be realized, and feel like I am going nowhere in life. I can’t find work. Finding work seems like the first step to everything.

I’m feeling confused and disillusioned about so much. I keep begging God to change my life.. I want to work. I want to go to school, as in real college. In order to do that, I think I need to move out on my own, and be able to make more decisions for myself. It would also help not to be going out of town every time I turn around.

I’m trying to make progress, but nothing really helps.

I am disabled

February 1, 2011

On a side note, I’ve been given another month to finish school. That really takes the pressure off me.

I am disabled. That fact is very obvious to anyone that meets me. I have disabled friends who try to hide their disability. I don’t. I can’t. If I go anywhere, I have to to go in a wheelchair. If I want to speak with anyone, I have to use my communication device. I’ve been looking for work online for years. Some people would say that that’s the one place I could hide my disability. I disagree. I really believe that eemployers need to know that I am disabled. I am going to be slower in everything that I do. An employer needs to know that I can’t always decide when to go out of town. I have to go if my parents say that I do. If I don’t go, I wouldn’t be able to eat.

Writing this, I wonder if somehow I’m prideful about my disability. I don’t think that I am. I would love to be made whole and well. I would love to have control over my life. But right now, that is just something I can dream about.